The POTUS and the Goose Who Would be King



When I was a kid, one of my main influences was a delusional goose. There was this local television puppet show called Garfield Goose and Friends. I watched it religiously. The central character was Garfield, who thought he was King of the United States. To stake his claim to the throne, he wore a battered crown.

It was a fun and bizarre fantasy world I visited every weekday afternoon. But little did I ever dream that one day I would be actually be living in a puppet show starring a delusional protagonist who thinks he’s King of the United States. It’s way more bizarre but no fun.

The most significant thing King Garfield shared with the squatter currently occupying the White House was that he too was very, very, white. I’m sure this casting choice was intentional. America was just not ready at the time to allow its vulnerable children to embrace a King of the United States that was anything other than white. Not even in jest. That would have been pushing fantasy way too far.

Another thing King Garfield had in common with the squatter was that everybody knew his royal fantasy was a joke—except for him. But in just about every other way he had things way easier than the squatter does. For instance, no one ever tried to shake him out of his delusion. No one ever threatened to impeach him. A special counsel was never appointed to look into his behavior. He didn’t stay up all night seething about witch hunts. That’s because, unlike the squatter, King Garfield’s delusion was harmless, so why take it away from him?

A special counsel was never appointed to look into his behavior. He didn’t stay up all night seething about witch hunts.

And King Garfield had a loyal puppet sidekick—Romberg Rabbit. I guess you could say Romberg was his chief of staff. Romberg remained by King Garfield’s side for the duration of his twenty-four-year television reign (no term limits!) The squatter, on the other hand, goes through chiefs of staff like water. I’m sure the squatter fervently wishes he could have such an unwaveringly loyal puppet sidekick, besides Ben Carson.

We all know that the squatter goes through wives like water, too. But King Garfield had no such turmoil in his love life because it appears that he had no love life. There was no queen goose puppet. He was, as they say, married to his job. Consequently, King Garfield didn’t have a know-it-all goose puppet son-in-law whom he put in charge of Middle East foreign policy to please his delicate daughter.

No one demanded that King Garfield release his tax returns. He didn’t have any tax returns because he didn’t pay any taxes. Goose puppets didn’t do that kind of thing.

And King Garfield never had to pay hush money to porn stars and other miscellaneous mistresses.



USA News


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